Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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