I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
