when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
