Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
