Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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