So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
