Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
