i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
