I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
