You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
