We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
