I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
