I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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