It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
