I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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