she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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