Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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