My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
