I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
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