i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
