Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
