I just pynch a tree in the face
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
