You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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