i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Randomize
