I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
