that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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