i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Houston, we have a blender
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
