Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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