Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
