So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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