Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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