I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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