His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
