mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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