hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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