If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
