I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
