i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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