everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
