my phone needs a breathalizer
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
