Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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