You smell like a Billy Joel song
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
