so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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