So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
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It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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