Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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