The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
