Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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