Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
