Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
