i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
