Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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