cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
