I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
