We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
