My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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